god i’m so weirdly adrift without the big bang to work on
like obviously it’s huge and it took up the better part of my brain for like four months
but more than that i think it’s the most personal and important thing i’ve ever written. may ever write? like. i don’t think my ma thesis, which was about my actual life, was even that personal since it was so framed and contained by theory. so much of what i feel about bodies and friendship and “recovery” and queerness and growing up got poured into this. it’s difficult to express without it sounding ridiculous. the working subtitle for this thing was “the authors have issues” because we realized a third of the way through that we were kind of…hugely projecting and working through some shit. both of us.
part of this is sane, part of it will always be sane. I look at it and have trouble remembering who wrote what—and I have an incredible and exacting memory for text. it’s a testament to how profoundly we get each other, I think. I don’t think I could have entrusted this much to another person. And I sure as hell couldn’t have done it alone. This is the fucking jaeger piloting of fanfic writing.
and like, yeah, it’s dumb sexy fanfic about a band, i’ll be first in line to tell you that. i’m not trying to make it more than it is. but i’m also not trying to make it less than it is either. sometimes trivial bullshit the only way to work your shit out.
seeing people’s reactions has been so gratifying, and I’m so glad it’s been well received and understood among friends. Part of me wants the zillion kudos/comments/status as fandom classic, of course I do. but it’s an incredibly small part. A surprisingly small part. I’m honestly just so pleased and proud to have done it. I told the story I wanted to tell. We told the story we wanted to tell.
So yeah, proud. but a little sad too, to let it go. not because it’s incomplete but because it isn’t.
patrick and pete stopped the concert in the middle of thnks fr th mmrs bc someone was getting overheated and they wanted to make sure people made room for them. and then they told us all to remember to drink water and take care of ourselves and that “we’re all together so we have to help each other back up when we fall down”